Peeling Back a Layer or TwoWednesday, January 22, 2014
I like to be an encourager. By nature, I'm a cheerful person. In the past, I've even been sweetly teased for being overly cheerful! (Can anyone really be over cheerful?) But right now, in fact for several months now, I haven't felt cheerful. I've let a bit of my hurt out in a few posts, but I haven't shared the depth of my sorrow. Do you know why? Because I want people to like me. How sad is that? Part of me is afraid to share my pain because I feel like I sound like a broken record. And broken records are annoying and disturbing to listen to.
I want to be strong, but I'm not. I cling to God and my faith, but I still hurt. But I don't want to hurt. I want to always have a positive outlook on life, but I don't. My mind goes back to simple times years ago, but I dare not bring out the photographs that I took back then or I'll really be a mess. I did that once a few weeks ago -- that was a big mistake!
I miss my daughter. Plain and simple. I don't know why she's gone. I don't know why she doesn't love me anymore. I. Don't. Know. Why. And I can't stand it. I know I'm still going through the grieving process following her rejection and I know one day I will be healed. But I'm not right now.
I miss her. I miss the relationship that I always longed for, but that she didn't want. I miss what could have been. I miss being able to sit down and talk about things as women do, maybe while sharing a cup of tea or getting our nails done. I miss being able to laugh with her. I miss the little girl who was so strong-willed and independent that it was frustrating! But, her independence also comforted me for I knew she'd be able to take care of herself. I miss the little girl who at 3 had such a huge vocabulary people would stop to listen and be so surprised as they heard her talk. I miss her curiosity and her love of her kittens. I miss how she would wiggle and squiggle next to me as I read stories to her. I miss how she would love finding "cool" rocks and then save them under her bed. I miss how she was fearless when it came to riding her bike or swinging in the swing. I miss her saying, "Higher! Swing me higher!" I miss how we shared the same favorite color...
I miss the time she told me that she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart...I'm hanging onto that one.
I miss seeing the strength and maturity she showed when facing a teenage pregnancy. I miss watching her be a mommy...and I miss her sweet daughter. I miss her son whom I only just had met. I miss the courage I witnessed in her when she had open-heart surgery and told me everything was going to be alright. I miss her tattoos. I miss holding her. I miss telling her that I love her and that I'll love her forever, no matter what. I miss her uniqueness. I so miss her.
My heart is broken but I'm tired of hurting. I don't feel like me anymore. Where did I go? I'm tired of hiding my pain. But, I don't want to scare anyone away by my tears. I don't want to depress my husband...for he is hurting, too. I have so much to be thankful for. I know it, I do. And I am so thankful. But some days...the hurt in my heart overwhelms me. Today is one of those days. So thank you for letting me get it out. I hope I haven't discouraged you, for that is not my intent. I know God loves me and will bring me through this. But today, I hurt. I'm praying as I write this. In fact, I was just going to lie down and try to sleep for I didn't want to feel for a little bit, when I had this sudden desire to write this post. Was it God? Was He telling me I needed to get this out? To share my pain and be truly vulnerable? To take a chance and open my heart? Maybe...I hope so. Anyway, thank you. If you've gotten this far in my ramblings, maybe you could say a little prayer for me. Just one to give me strength when I feel sad. And one for my daughter, too. She needs Jesus. She needs to feel His love for her. She needs to know that no matter what, He'll always take her back, and so will I.
Ok. I'm going to go make some tea now.