I Choose The LatterMonday, January 04, 2016
My son shared a podcast with me the other day that got me thinking about why I haven’t written in this space for nearly a year. The discussion was lead by Elizabeth Gilbert who was giving some helpful advice to a writer having difficulty staying focused. Though the topic wasn’t exactly what I have been experiencing, it did encourage me to put some deep thought and prayer into what could be hindering my own writing. The answer came to me quickly, as it was rather obvious, but I haven’t wanted to name it, especially here. Then, as if God were giving me one of His oh-so-famous nudges, I was brought to an aptly named blog post, by Jeanne Damoff, entitled The Cost of Motherhood.
In her poignant essay, Jeanne describes a time tragedy struck her family and the moment being as if a priceless jewel had been thrown into deep water. As the treasure sank, ripples reached outward.
However, this mother was stuck staring in disbelief and shock at the spot where the treasure first sank. That’s where I have been. I have been stuck in that moment 2 ½ years ago that I can’t seem to get past. It was the moment my priceless treasure sank. My hopes and my dreams for what could be dissolved in a single phone call that wrenched my gut and shattered my heart.
I have been told that I will heal and that the pain will ease. I have been told that people are praying for our daughter…that God loves her and that He loves me. But, the ache has still remained. Some days I don’t notice it as much, but I have to admit there are other days when I am not exactly encouraging to be around. A dark cloud descends on me and I can only see the place my precious jewel was lost. And that is the reason I have not written.
I am an encourager by nature. The entire reason I began this blog was to do just that – encourage. I was so excited to write about all God has done in my life and share His truths in order to give others hope. But, after that moment in the fall of 2013, my posts became more and more morose; at least they seemed that way to me. I became tired of always writing about my shattered dreams and my heavy heart. I didn’t want to be a blogger who only wrote about sadness, and so I stopped. I figured people would become tired of only finding writings about pain at my site. I felt like a broken record; and, a broken record that kept on hitting that annoying scratch right when the best part of the song was about to play. (Those of you who grew up listening to vinyl records will know exactly how annoying that is!)
I am tired of staring at the spot where my treasure sank. I am tired of the pain and waiting for the wound to heal. The cloud that seems to completely cover me for days on end has to go! Jeanne reminds me that I have a choice: I can keep staring at the spot where my treasure sank, or I can watch the ripples and see what God is doing. I choose the latter. And so, in 2016, I am determined to get my life back; the life that God has planned for me. I’m not sure exactly what that will mean for my blog, but you can be sure I will be writing again…and watching the ripples to see the beauty God has planned!